this is one of my self-appointed assignments, called a fractured fairy tale. basically its where you 
take a fairy tale like cinderella and snow white and make it humourous (parody) or change it around 
to how you like it. just so long as the plot is followed loosely and the outcome of the story is the 
same. 

rapunzel: a fractured fairy tale by amanda

once upon a time there was a man and his wife. the wife was pregnant (wonder how THAT happened?) and 
was in desperation, longing for these radish things called rapuns. there was a garden with plenty of 
them next door, but the inhabitant of that plot was a mean old witch of a woman, and never let anyone 
come near it. the man, being a scrawny little thing, didnt want to take his chances of being cursed by
 the witch. but, the woman was insistent and threatened to shave him bald of the little hair he 
posessed if he did not get them "right now!" 

so, he meekly began his journey, preparing with a bowie knife, a rifle, a javelin, a golf club, and a 
hat for his hair, just in case his wife made good on her threats when he came back empty handed 
(except for the aforementioned protection aides). for he had a complete plan: wait by the fence of 
the garden for about 20 minutes, and then return and make up some cockamamey story about the witch 
bein "all out of rapuns, so sorry sonny boy! care for a cup of tea?" then he would shrug sheepishly 
and she would gather him in his arms, the craving completely forgotten by his "mournful" expression 
of utter sorrow for not providing for his petite, yet very demanding wife. whistling to himself, he 
walked out the door. 

the plan did not work, as the wife could see him crouching by their fence, giggling idiotically. she 
walked outside and slapped him on the side of the face, and reached for his hair as he tried to stand
 and explain to her that this was "all a part of the plan! you shall have your radish thingys, my 
dear, just go back inside and lie down!" the wife looked suspicious, but did as he said. chuckling to 
himself at his wit, he sat back down. a shotgun rang through the air, and he lept as it nearly hit 
his foot. he looked up to see his wonderful, sweet, loving wife glaring from the window, the gun 
raised, aiming for his hair. yelping in terror, he dove over the fence. 

the garden was like no other, man was it huge. it was like a jungle, and the man was afraid of getting
 lost. but he made his way to the place where the witch woman grew her rapuns, and saw that there was 
so much, she wouldnt miss him takin just a few. happily he plucked them from the vine and filled his 
potato sack with them. just as he was about to climb over the fence, he heard the most horrible sound 
in the world: the witch was breathing in his ear. AHHHH! his ear nearly fell off as she grabbed it 
and pulled him off the fence. 

"what doest thou in my garden!?" she cried, spitting in his face with each syllable. trembling, he 
took the time to take out his white lace hanky (with his name on it: man from the story of rapunzel) 
and patted his face dry. he offered it to the witch, for spit dribbled down her chin and he looked on
 with disgust and cried out again as she yanked on his ear. 

"what be the meaning of this!" she cried, outraged. "i am outraged!" 

"i-i-f-f-forgive me m-madam, uh..." what was her name again? "witch from the rapunzel story" ahh yes, 
that was it. he had read it in the local paper, the rapunzel story press. she was always on the front 
page. everyone was fascinated by her. okay, now that that little tidbit of information is out of the 
way.... 

how could he explain what he was doing in a witch's garden in the middle of the night, loaded with a 
bowie knife, a rifle, a javelin, a potato sack, a golf club, and a silly hat? aha! he thought. i'll 
just explain that my wife is the catalyst for all this madness and she'll hafta believe me! 

"my wife is having a baby, and she had this bizarre, uhhhh..." he began to get nervous again as the 
witch leaned closer, her breath rasping in his face. the next part came out as a near squeak. "she 
just wanted some of these radish thingys right here called rapuns and since you have so darn many i 
thought you wouldnt miss if i took just a small bit of a sack and well i'll never come back, i 
promise, " he said all this as he backed away and tried to scramble up the fence. she caught him by 
his cloak. 

"knoweth this," she whispered to him her face so close he was afraid for a minute that she was going 
to kiss him, and then he would surely die. "in exchange for these radish thingys, i want the babe 
your wife is to bear," then she let him go, and walked away. he shook his head. women. 


the wife was pleased with the radish thingys, and ate them all up. he hid the shotgun and all his 
weaponry, so that she couldnt find it. he also hid the hair cutting scissors. 

the baby was born, and the wife, remembering the rapuns, named the baby daughter, rapunzel. she was 
cute. most of the time. but then, the witch came aknockin on the door, and took the baby away. the 
wife and man didnt care, they had enough problems. the wife was now trying to grow her own rapun 
garden. 

so the witch takes this daughter to live with her, and for some bizarre reason the girl never suspects
 the climactic events that had taken place just around her birth. she was kind of a ditz, but hey she 
was pretty so thats alright. then one day her "mother" freaked when boys started talking to her, so 
she locked her daughter in this huge tower so that boys wouldnt talk to her. she whined and complained
 for months. 

"this is putting a MAJOR crimp in my social life! MOTHER! UGHHHHH!" whine, whine, whine, until 
finally the witch moved out of the tower so she didnt have to hear rapunzel anymore. then, rapunzel 
hatched a plan in her teeny weeny blonde brain. she put miracle-gro in her hair, and viola! 
insta-ladder! she blew a huge trumpet (her mother was out of town at the moment) and all the boys 
came hither. she lowered her hair, freshly coiled to form a crude ladder, and up they went. what fun. 
the first prince was into golfing. the second was into lawnmowers. the third was into miracle-gro and 
talked nonstop about grass and "how amazing that it works on human hair!" she threw each one out the 
window when she could endure no more of their dullness. then, one caught her eye. but had he heard her
 trumpet calling? she asked her latest prince, a bald man with a lisp, "who is that, pray tell?"

"printhe derrick, the ritchest printhe in the whole kingdom!" her eyes lit up as she heard the 
mention of money. she shoved the prince out the window and called to the handsome one below. "oh, 
prince derrick! come hither!" she cried in her sweetest voice. she lowered her hair, and he climbed 
up, slightly confused, but still intrigued. she didnt throw this one out the window, since he was the 
perfect guy for her. but, just as they were getting started on their life stories, her mother came 
back. seeing rapunzel laughing and talking with-oh my! a BOY! an atrocious, evil, awful, horrible BOY!
! she was completely outraged. "i am so outraged!" she cried at the top of her lungs, and rapunzel 
cried out in terror as the witch went through the back entrance to the tower and walked up the steps 
she had installed secretly. she had to get up there somehow, ya know. the prince was even more 
confused than ever, and rapunzel, seeing her one and only chance, planted a wet one on the astounded 
prince's lips and shoved him out the window. he hit a patch of thornbushes ("so sorry about that, my 
love!") and was blinded, like the three blind mice. he stumbled along to an eye doctor's office while
 the witch yelled like crazy at her "daughter" and chopped her miracle-gro hair and shoved it in a 
blender. there really isnt an explanation for why she would shove it in a blender, just something to 
do i guess. rapunzel was horrified. "MOTHER! i make my nuitritional fruit drinks and slim fast in 
that!" she was apalled at her mother's total lack of concern for her daughter's health. ("i am so 
appalled by your total lack of concern for my health, mother!") she stormed down the back stairs 
(which she knew were there all along, but like i said, she's blonde what do you expect? (no offense 
of course to all the blondes i know :p)) and ran straight into the same thornbushes derrick had. but 
she had goggles that she whipped out of her ski suit (yes, ski suit, she hated all those silly 
dresses, this is SO much more comfortable!) and was able to protect her eyes. 

she found derrick at the eye doctor's with a new pair of glasses and contacts. he looked so handsome 
she just had to kiss him. so she did and they got married and lived in a house far far away from the 
witch, who only sent Christmas and birthday cards. 

THE END